Dead Heads Guilty

Move over "man bites dog." You have been replaced by "dead heads" on trial in one of the most bizarre court cases ever to take place in Kindlin,Oklahoma, population 639, in July of 1979.

Improvising on precedents that included arms, hands, ears, and penises ripped off, then reattached, an attorney filed a class lawsuit against "dead heads" throughout the Americas and Africa -- in fact, throughout the world.

In his summation, the attorney exclaimed: "Your Honor, heads taken from people are dead heads, and everyone knows that a dead head can't think. And I have hundreds of 'before' and 'after' pictures showing what these people looked like 'before' and 'after' they lost their heads.

"Your Honor, these -- presently dead heads -- voluntarily submitted to be taken. At no time in over a hundred years has the segment of society that I'm representing in this case used any specific violence that would cause the owners of these heads to no longer want them." At this point the attorney gave some fifteen 8" x 11" glossy black and white pictures to the court clerk who handed them to the Judge.

"Your Honor, you can see at a glance that in the 'before' pictures the people's hair is not straight. And for some reason -- or lack of reason -- a woman invented an iron comb that could burn red-hot and straighten hair. Now, nobody on God's green Earth forced her to invent that comb and market it for women with non-straight hair like hers -- and she became a millionair overnight.

"And, your Honor, hot on the heels of her invention some men with non-straight hair like hers learned that a concoction of lye -- you know that it burns like acid -- and potatoes can straighten non-straight hair. Although after men applied it, it burned their scalp so ferociously that, screaming, they had to quickly leap out of the barber's chair and stick their head in a bucket of cold water to cool their head. Again, your Honor, nobody on God's green Earth forced these men to use that mess on their head.

"At the same time, your Honor, a bleaching cream was filling up the shelves in stores in certain neighborhoods. And, your Honor, if you compare the 'before' pictures -- from the neck up -- with the 'after' pictures you can't help but think that those 'after' heads belong on different bodies, so they're dead-heads.

"Now, as I pointed out, your Honor, the segment of society that I'm representing did not force these people to destroy their heads, making them 'dead-heads.' And in conclusion, your Honor, before these heads became dead-heads, they could think. They boasted of having a culture. And all they had to do was give us back our names and our languages and our religion -- AND GIVE US BACK OUR HAIR -- and these dead-heads would have been saved.

"They could have taken their names and their languages and their religion and their customs from their culture -- AND KEPT THEIR GOD-GIVEN HAIR! . . . Your, Honor, I conclude my summation."

"Counselor, I congratulate you. You have been so clear that I'm sure that even the dead-heads understand you. I, therefore, find this pretended anger by these dead-heads against the segment of society that you're representing to be frivolous and bogus. I know that that segment that you represent wouldn't tolerate for a second people from another culture naming them or giving them a language and a religion. I find these dead-heads guilty of fraud. Case closed."